


This Is Who I'm Meant To Be

by masterroadtripper



Series: Love Makes the World a Better Place [5]
Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: Period Typical Attitudes, Period Typical Transphobia, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-03-27 21:59:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13889976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterroadtripper/pseuds/masterroadtripper
Summary: Soren gets his period for the first time.  Don't worry, Anne and Lettie are there to help him out.This story takes place in the middle of Throw Away the Typical.  Not between any particular chapters, just kind of a side story that happens before chapter 10.  This addition doesn't really stand on its own, so reading Throw Away the Typical will make it make more sense.





	1. Belly Ache

Soren woke one morning, his eyes still fuzzy and adjusting to his surroundings. Then he felt it. It felt like someone had taken a fire poker and was using it to stab him in the gut. He tried to stay quiet, but as he tossed and turned desperately trying to get the pain to go away his pallet kept creaking. Usually, he would get up and go outside if he couldn’t sleep. But even trying to sit up this morning was impossible. It was like all his abdominal muscles had been melted into goo.

“You okay Soren?” he heard a soft voice ask in the dark. Lettie. It sounded like she had been awake for a while, presumably reading one of her newspapers. Unlike the majority of the performers, Lettie was literate and enjoyed a good peruse of the daily gossip column.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Soren grunted. Even talking caused the weird, inexplicable pain in his lower belly hurt more.

“Are you sure honey?” Lettie asked again. She obviously knew he was not okay and was going to coax the dirt out of him one way or another.

“No,” Soren answered, “my belly hurts.”

“Are you sick?” Soren could hear Lettie climbing off of her pallet. Suddenly a warm hand rested on his forehead and he resisted the urge to jump away from the sudden touch. She was just trying to help.

“You don’t feel too hot, it's likely not the fever again,” Lettie reported. Good, Soren thought. He never wanted to experience the fever ever again. “What did you eat last night. Anything?”

“I had two bowls of O’Clancy’s soup,” Soren reported. It had tasted a lot better than usual and he had two bowls instead of just choking down one.

“Good,” Lettie muttered, yet seemed distracted. Probably recalling some useful tidbit of information she had read somewhere at some time, she was quiet for a little.

“How old are you Soren?” she finally asked.

“Probably almost thirteen by now,” Soren replied. A soft oh was all Lettie said in response.


	2. A Glass of Milk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POV Lettie. I think I'll try to alternate chapters between different characters POV's.
> 
> I wrote this on the school bus...I hope there is not too many spelling mistakes.

Lettie knew exactly what was happening to the poor boy. It was his period. Likely the very first one too, judging by how he had curled himself into a ball on his pallet. He needed to know what to do, but conversations like the one she was about to have with Soren were awkward to begin with. She had done the honors for Anne a few years ago, but this was different. Soren was their boy and this knowledge could shatter him. It was just a reminder that he was truly trapped in the wrong body.

“Come on, try to get up,” Lettie said. She wanted to be sure of her diagnosis of Soren’s belly ache before actually telling him, incase she was wrong, she didn’t want to freak him out.

The boy just grunted and said, “Lettie, it hurts, I don’t wanna move.”

“If you go for a walk you should feel better,” she reasoned, not actually sure if it would or not, but at this point Soren was so miserable she was willing to give it a try. Soren just grunted in response, but did roll over and climb out of bed.

“Come on, let’s go to the kitchen and get you a glass of milk,” Lettie offered, leading Soren away from his pallet without allowing him to have a second glance. This was going to be an interesting conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you missed it, yes Soren is trans. That's why he's on his period and why Lettie is being so cautious about breaking the news.


	3. In the Rafters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Panic attacks can come in many shapes and forms, not just curling into a ball and rocking back and forth. Soren has a panic attack in the form of just zoning out and retreating into the depths of his head.

Soren sat down on one of the boxes gently. Usually he kind of just flopped wherever he felt like and sprawled his quickly growing limbs on any open surface. Taking the glass of milk that Lettie offered him, Soren drank it slowly and felt the pain going down slowly. Now that he was more awake, Soren noticed that the pain felt like when his arm muscles would cramp after a long practice with W.D. Soren had no idea why his belly would be cramping considering he had not been training for over eight hours.

“Lettie, it still hurts,” Soren complained, slumping his head onto his arms on the table.

“Soren, look at me,” Lettie said and Soren channelled all his remaining energy into looking up at the lady. He kind of just lolled his head to the side and half heartedly met Lettie’s gaze.

“Come on, sit up and look at me proper,” Lettie said and Soren did, pushing himself up onto his elbows.

“What is it?” Soren asked.

“Soren, you know that we will always see you as our little boy no matter what, right?” Lettie asked and Soren felt his heart make a three storey jump from its place in his ribcage to the floor.

“What are you saying Lettie? Am I dying or something?”

“Not dying, though it may feel like it. You are menstruating.” Soren felt the waves of nausea rising up through his gut then to his chest. It was just yet another reminder of the fact that he would never, ever be the person he knew he was. He was a girl. He was meant to carry children.

 _Maybe I’m just crazy,_ Soren thought, _maybe I’m just making up these feelings. I’m not actually a boy._

“Soren,” he heard Lettie say. He wasn’t certain how many times Lettie had said his name, but he knew that it likely wasn’t the first time. “Hey, you’re okay,” Lettie said, putting her large, warm hands on his shoulders and staring into his eyes, “Soren, no matter what, you’re our little boy yeah?”

 

Soren didn’t go back to bed. Lettie had found him a change of pants and a pair of tighter underwear. Then, she showed him how to stuff the bottom of the underpants with wood pulp bandages. He found, after the hubbub of the early morning that there would likely be no way for him to sleep. But the rafters were empty at almost four in the morning, so Soren climbed up there.

From his vantage point, Soren could see the dimly lit performance arena. Most of the lamps were out, but there were still some around to light up enough of the area that Soren could see the four rings, the scuffs on the floor and the intricate patterns that Constantine painted the wooden bleachers.

_Why me? Why could whatever made me have screwed up so badly? How could I be so stuck in the wrong body. Soren feels so right._

_These last two and a half months have been the best period of time in my whole life. I’ve felt safe, wanted and accepted._

_But what if I’m crazy? There’s a reason people like me end up in the hospitals. I’m just crazy._

_No I’m not, it is proven that I feel better as Soren. Mr. Carlyle said I am safe. Everyone said I am safe. Everyone knows I am Soren. Only Mr. Carlyle and Anne know Francesca._

_But everyone else knows I’m also not Soren._


	4. Anytime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anne finds Soren in the rafters

Soren felt gross. But sitting in the rafters was settling to his mind. The wood was smooth, worn down by years of circus performances.

“Lettie said I could find you up here,” Anne said, climbing up the ladder. She was wrapped in a beige flowered shawl and had her long, curly locks piled up on the top of her head.

“I like it up here,” Soren answered, shifting from where he half slouched, half lay in the neatly bundled ropes. His back ached from laying in such an awkward position and he turned to face Anne.

“How are you feeling?” She asked, settling down into a cross legged sitting position in another pile of ropes.

Soren considered lying and telling her that he felt fine. Instead, he said, “I feel really gross.”

“Yah, but it gets better,” Anne assured him.

“I doubt that. It feels like I shoved a towel in my underwear,” Soren grumbled, glaring at the coil of rope he sat in. Absentmindedly picking at thick wore material, Anne swatted his hand.

“We’ll have to replace them if you do that,” Anne scolded him, her hand resting on the round of her stomach and the baby underneath.

“I know you probably aren’t thinking of this yet,” Anne said, reaching out towards Soren’s face and moving his blond curls out of his face. Soren looked into her chocolate brown eyes grudgingly.

“But this means, if you want of course, in the future, you can have a child of your own. Someone to care for and raise however you want,” Anne said whimsically, “Imagine it Soren, a child for you to raise based on your values.”

“I guess that would be kinda cool,” Soren muttered, just thinking about it. And the kid would never need to know he was not their dad. The kid would grow up in the circus, around the most amazing and accepting people they would have ever have known.

“Just keep that in mind,” Anne said, “And besides, aside from Lettie and I, no one could even tell what is happening in your underwear. That is for your knowledge only.”

“Thanks Anne,” Soren said and Anne pulled him in close. The older woman enveloped him in a warm embrace and Soren could feel the stress melting away. No wonder Mr. Carlyle seeked out her company when the circus became stressful.

“Anytime Soren,” Anne replied into his hair, “You’re our little boy, always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this one. Sorry for the lateness of the last chapter, school has been super busy lately. But now its spring break and I have to endure an 8 hour plane ride in three days, so expect updates galore

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Al for providing this idea. 
> 
> School is really busy right now, so updates may be few and far between.


End file.
